No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
