I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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