Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
