Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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