Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I pour the whiskey from now on
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
