Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
