my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
They have beer where we have blood.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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