Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
