Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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