Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
