Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
