i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
