Banned from zoo.
Again?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
