I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
