she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
