I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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