I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
