Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
