i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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