he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
