I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
