Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
