Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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