Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
