im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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