Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
