the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
