____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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