she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
