Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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