I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
