I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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