if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
