Where are you?
In a non slutty way
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
