Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
