I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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