so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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