Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
