hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
