Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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