I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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