My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
