If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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