The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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