You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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