I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
