i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
