i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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