If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
