I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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