When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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