You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
