I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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