ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
