Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
