Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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