i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
