I need to stop coming to work sober
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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