onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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