Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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