i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
